A frightening reality.

I have had a colorful past, for lack of better wording. There are certain things that scare the hell out of me, such as love. Yes, love, I find there is nothing more frightening than giving your heart to someone.
I spent the 3rd-5th in Edmonton with my boyfriend, whome we will call M. I had a great time even though we got into 2 fights. So Sunday night when we got back to the hotel after seeing a movie (this is after a fight) I put on a movie on tv and put a pillow in his lap and laid down, now I don't know why but after a fight with him all I want to do is cuddle so that's what I did. Right after I got comfortable I thought to myself I love him. then I fell asleep as soon as I finished the thought, of course all of yesterday I was thinking it was hell, I did try to fight it after all, but my god is it true. My god do I ever love him and it scares the hell out of me. So on the drive home I said something and he got upset, I had no idea I had said anything wrong until I realized he wouldn't so much as look at me for 3 hours.. so we get to my house and I give him shit for being a jerk, then unsure how to say it I grabbed my red pen and wrote on his hand;
'You're an idiot
<3
Fell'

Of course he didn't get it at first but then realized what I meant.. not all was forgiven right away but I can't stay mad at him..

So this frightening reality has me jittery, nervous, and terrified..

Another day.

Last night M. stayed at my place over night for the first time, aside from spending most of the evening in his truck as he played taxi it was a pretty decent night. I find myself losing more grip on my control by the day when I am with him, I'm not going to say it is a bad thing but it is rather fascinating. I've never lost control with anyone before but I can ohnestly admit that I am enjoying it.

If you ever find someone you can comfortably let go of all control with and know it will be okay then never let him or her go, it is an experience you don't want to miss out on.
Letting go of control, doing things you normally wouldn't, and just living life in every aspect is mentally fullfilling.

Its too late to turn back, don't look back, do it all, even that which you thought you would never do.
No regrets, ever